Dear Starmaster,
I
don't have a lot of money, but I just found a twenty dollar bill
outside my apartment. Should I buy the new Rowdy Roddy Piper DVD
that just came out, or should I be responsible and pay my phone
bill?
John
Birthday 5/23/85
|
John,
The
answer is simple. You'll need more than $20 to pay your phone
bill with all the 900 #'s you call. As for the Pper DVD you'll
need a DVD player for that. That 1987 Zenith 2 head, top loding
VCR of yours isn't gonna do it for ya now is it? Didn't think
of that did you. Why don't you take that $20 bill and give it
to your local zoo so they can purchase food for the apes who are
obviously smarter than yourself.
Starmaster
Joe
|
Hey
Joe,
I
just went to a tarot card reader and they told me that I was going
to get accepted for the new position at Melvin's Travel Agency.
I wanted to get a second opinion just to make sure. What do you
think? Are my days as a short order cook over? Thanks!
Gil
Bday 9-20-73 |
Gil,
Yes,
your days as a short order cook are over. However you will not
get the job at the travel agency. You should never have gone to
anyone other than me in the first place! Tarot cards? Everyone
knows those only work when Aries is in the line of Saturn! And
that's not until Aug 30, 2006 at 8:45pm CST. As for your next
career move, it will be travel oriented. You will get a job as
a flight attendent for American Airlines. Being as sensitive as
you are, you'll be perfect at handing out moist towels, mini-pillows,
and talk in that high pitched voice to small children; "It's
OK little Jimmy, just try to yawn and your ears will pop".
Good luck Gilly Boy.
Starmaster |
Starmaster
Joe,
Is Barry Bonds on steroids?
Gregg
Bday 9/3/90 |
Gregg,
First
off save some G's for the rest of us will you. The answer is no.
Sosa, Mcgwire, Palmerio, and Matt Lecroy, Yes.
Starmaster
Joe
|
Starmaster
joe
I'm an oudoor-sey kind of guy. I've been looking for a woman who
compliments my interests. It's been really hard, which is odd
cause I would think that there would be lots of women out there
who share my interests. I mean, I'm just looking for a girl that
likes to hunt, fish, backpack, is skilled with a knife, knows
how clean her own kill and not afraid to eat it raw, owns her
own hip-waders, and has an affection for flannel. So I guess my
question is when is that going to happen? Any premonitions? Lost
in the wilderness of my lonely heart,
Jobe
Bday 2/3/54 |
Jobe,
How
many sentences tdo you need to finally get to your point. Your
life reminds me of the book of Job. Good news for you! Tootie
from the Facts of Life is to be divorced soon. She fits your desires
perfectly.
Starmaster |
Starmaster,
I asked this question to BCD because I wanted to get two different
opinions. Is there a chance that Alf and Sheeba would ever cross
paths? I am worried that this will happen, because Alf LOVES to
eat cats, and I wouldn't want to loose the lovable Sheeba. Please
calm my nerves Starmaster.
Jinny
Bday 4/h/1992
|
Jinny,
ALF
aka Alien Life Form is a puppet. Sheeba is real. Does that make
sense to you? Do you see where I am going with this? By the way,
"h" is not a day in April, and nobody likes to hang
out with 4Her's.
Be gone!
Starmaster
Joe |
Dear
Starmaster Joe
I am dying to eat a chicken pot pie, but my car is broke and I
can't get to the store. Can you use your powers and tell me what's
wrong with my car? Thanks bud.
Harry
5/9/54
|
Harry,
I
know what is wrong with your car. Your ex-girlfriend smashed up
a Beef, Chicken, and Turkey pot pie and put them in your radiator.
The good news is that you dont have to go to the store to get
a pot pie, they are right there in your car. The anti-freeze and
coolant has kept them quite fresh. And don't call me bud!
Starmaster
Joe |
hey,
is
the universe really infinite? i think infinite is pretty big.
almost too big. the universe cant be infinite can it?
geanie
12/21/96
|
geanie,
The
universe is as infinite as my powers and knowledge...of which
you have none. Learn to capitalize your name and change your name
to something less mystic or I wil place a curse on your cotton
candy business.
Starmaster
Joe |
Starmaster
joe,
Ok, so I keep getting into fights with my neighbor because of
the property lines. He says that his property stops past my fence,
but I'm sure he's wrong. He got me so riled up one day that I
gave him a snuggy. Now he put a restraining order on me and is
filing papers to get his property extended. Can you tell me if
those papers are actually going to go through? I don't want to
lose any land, I planned on putting some nice lawn ornaments in
that spot! Thanks Joe.
Franklin
9/8/63
|
Franklin,
Your
lucky color is maroon. Papers have been filed and because of your
violent display towards your neighbor, you will not only lose
your land, but your house as well. Good luck!
Starmaster
Joe |
STARMASTER
JOE,
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THAT MOVIE
ABOUT THE PSYCHIC GUY THAT REALLY LIKED ALPHABET SOUP BECAUSE
THE SOUP WOULD SPELL OUT THINGS THAT WERE GOING TO HAPPEN? HAS
ANYTHING LIKE THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU?
KRISTIE
>2/15/90 |
Kristie,
It
just so happens this has worked wonders for me. Let me consult
my soup bowl. Yes..Yes.. It is spelling something. Hmmmm. Yes........It
spells HOAR.
Starmaster
Joe |
Stirmaster
Joe,
Can you tell me if I'm ever going to take that trip to the Bahamas
that my bf keeps promising? It seems like he just uses that to
make me feel better when he does something wrong. But we still
haven't gone and it's making me wonder if he really wants to go
to the Bahamas with me.
Shawna
6/23/71
Later Dude!!! |
Shwna,
Your
lucky #'s are 45, 67, 2389675.88, and the letter Q.
Starmaster
Joe |
Starmaster,
Will
Ed McMahon ever show up to my door with balloons and a big check?
Hal |
Dear
Hal,
Because you subscribe to Playgirl, Hunks of America, and Guys
Guys Guys through Publishers Clearing House does not mean you'll
be getting any visits from Ed McMahon. However, in 3 days the
UPS man will be knocking on your door with a package to deliver.
The contents of which are needless to say very "up your alley".
Starmaster Joe |
Starmaster,
After
eating all those Christmas goodies this year, will I ever be able
to fit into my new frosted denim jeans?
Stacey |
Stacey,
Interesting
question. I think that the 45 pounds of fudge you ate along with
all the frosted sugar cookies you ate have put you in a irreversible
situation. You will never fit into your frosted jeans. You can
however make cut off shorts out of them for your current boyfriend.
He will love the way they "grab" him. Your lucky day
is March 4, 2087.
Starmaster
Joe |
StarMaster,
I was at a Kansas City Royals game the other day and this
man named Luis kept yelling, "Hotdogs!" What 's weird
is that I was thinking about hotdogs seconds before he came by.
Does that me he too sees all like you or does it mean I can control
others in order to satisfy my hunger? Tell me all
Kyle |
Kyle,
You
do not have anything close to the powers I possess. One doesn't
need to be psychic to know that Kansas City Royals fans are born
to lose. Nor should I have to tell you that was Luis Rivas selling
the hotdogs. I predict the Royals to once again finish below .500
as well as last in the AL central. Even with the signing of Joe
Mays, the Royals, like you will be losers. As for the hotdog,
and having control over others, I will say this. It cannot be
done until you go to the HHH Metrodome, eat 7 dome dogs, 4 budweisers,
and during the 7th inning stretch say Torii Hunters name backwards
48 times while burning your George Brett memorabilia.
Starmaster
Joe |
Starblaster
Master,
Yo!
Starblaster! I'm a hip cat down with the cool. Will I ever be
realized for my talents?
Skip,
the Chip
Bday 9/9/1989 |
The
answer is obviously no. As for calling me Starblaster, I have
placed a curse upon you. You will soon notice that your appearance
resembles that of Skippy from Family Ties. And your sex life will
be just as his. BE GONE FROM ME!
Starmaster
Joe |
Hey
Joe,
My
name is Dick Butts. I feel like I've been dealt a very hard hand
in my life, what with everyone making fun of my name wherever
I go. Will there ever be a time when people like me and not judge
me on my name alone?
Mr.
Butts
Birthday: 6/7/77 |
You
re killing me! Ah man, that is funny! Ha ha ha ha, ahhhhh man.
Shit, I can't believe this guy. Natural born loser. Mr. Butts......um,
hah ha hah hahahh!
Starmaster
Joe |
starmaster
joe,
I was recently sipping on a chocolate soda, when I found the remains
of a shriveled turd. I believe this to be a good omen, what do
you think.
Lawrence
Birthday: 4/23/69 |
Lawrence,
That
was not a chocolate soda you were drinking. Next time you visit
your buddies farm, be more careful with your food selections.
Your lucky #'s are 456, 7878, and .23
Starmaster
Joe |
Starguy,
I really like Tommy. Will he finally get the nerve to ask me to
the dance?
Sally
Birthday: 12/4/90 |
Sally,
Tommy
will not ask you to dance. His obsession is with your little sister.
However, when you turn 18 I want you to contact me again. I will
teach you the Horizontal Salsa!
Starmaster
Joe |
Starmaster
Joe,
I believe in unicorns and I also believe in pegasuses. I really
want them to mate so there would be a unicorn pegasus. Do you
think this will ever happen?
P.S. When it does, can I ride on one?
Cindy
Birthday: 8/30/71 |
Cindy,
You
are 36 years old when are you going to learn! Everyone knows that
you cannot cross breed these two Beacons of Mystery until you
turn 78. However, a golden toed gnome is needed to assist in the
ceremony. Your lucky color is blue.
Starmaster
Joe |
Hey
Starmaster Joe,
I
really want to be a firetruck, when will that happen? Santa Clause
sucks,will you kill him for me and grant my wish?
signed,
Big
Red Fire Truck in waiting |
Firetruck
in waiting,
You
seem to be lost in emotion. The stars tell me you are heading
for a crash course in puberty. Fire Trucks? Santa Clause? These
both entail the color Red. The cards tell me you're a red head.
In a few months you'll notice some physical changes. While you
won't be growing any sirens, ladders, or extra hoses, you'll be
happy with your new blazing fire crotch!
Starmaster
Joe |
Hey
Starmaster,
I
am in a D&D role playing club and I was wondering if I will
ever achieve a level 90 warrior with the power of telekinesis?
Charles
Birthdate 9/2/80 |
Charles,
Yes,
this can be achieved. But you must confront your buddy Zach first.
He is using a loaded 54 sided die. He fooled you into believing
he is a level 84 wizard with the power of invisibility. I suggest
you purchase a 86 sided die. You will achieve your level 90 status
in 4 turns.
Starmaster
Joe |
Hey
Starmaster Joe,
Will
I ever get to achieve my greatest wish...to ride a humpback whale?
Brandon
Frumple
Birthdate: 3/4/65 |
Dear
Brandon,
I
am sorry to say that you will not get to ride a humpback whale
anytime in this lifetime. However, I do see you taking a small
role in the upcoming adventures of Free Willy 4.
Starmaster
Joe |
Hey
Starmaster Joe,
Will
you tell me if John will ask me to marry him?
Katherine
Birthday: 5/17/80 |
Spencer,
(aka Katherine)
You
don't need to use an alias to ask me a question. Did you think
you could actually fool the all knowing Starmaster? Yes, John
will ask you to marry him. However, the marriage will not take
place until 2036, when the state of Kansas passes same sex marriage.
Starmaster
Joe |
Hey
Joe,
When
will we find out the true meaning of life?
Nigel
Birthdate: 2/6/44 |
Nigel,
Looking
at your age, you should have found it by now. Look under your
bed for a little special something. Also, go to Denny's on Sunday
and order the Grand Slam. You'll thank me for it.
Starmaster
Joe |
Hey
Starmaster,
I
have to know something very important! Can you please tell me
if Mr. T will ever make a comeback in national tv?
Daniel
Murich
Birthdate 1/27/65 |
Daniel,
Your
birthdate tells me that you are very sensitive and open minded.
You should wear blue to an upcoming get together. My crystal ball
states your lucky #'s are 4, 4, 4, and 2.
Starmaster
Joe |
Dear
Starmaster Joe,
Can
you tell me if I'm ever going to be rich!?
Sandra
H.
Birthdate 7/15/84 |
Sandra,
You'll
have to make the switch from street whore to call girl in order
to to achieve this. Starmaster Joe. P.S. You
need another prescription. And yes, that condom on the 4th of
July did break.
Starmaster
Joe |
Yo
Joe Joe,
I'm
a super duper MC from the L to tha A Los Angeles. Would ya give
me tha hooks up and tell me if I'll ever be as big as my favorite
rap artist, Eminem?
MC
Pig Puff |
Dear Mr. MC. Pig Puff,
I
will have to consult the mystic Ouija board for this question.
Yes! It says you are L to the O to the S to the E to the R. These
are your mystic letters.
Star
Master Joe |
| Starmaster,
Why
haven't you answered any of your questions in a long time? Gagfilms
isn't the same without new starmaster :(
Gregory
Hines Gump
Birthday 3/6/1945 |
Mr.
Gump,
I
have been preoccupied. Also I have been sleeping with your wife
which kept me quite busy while you were away on your self-help
book signing tour. I suggest reading your own material now, you're
going to need some emotional stability.
Starmaster
Joe |
Hey
Joe,
I
walked under a ladder a week ago and now nothing but horrible
things are happening to me. The worst being that I went to the
doctor for foot surgery and came out with double d sized boobs.
I'm not a superstitious person, but my luck is going south fast.
Can you tell me if my luck will ever turn around?
Robbie
Birthday 8/9/68 |
Robbie,
The
ladder is not what triggered your streak of bad luck. When you
joined 4H in 1982, you opened a door to a lifetime of ill fate.
However, as a concerned friend I can offer you a cure. On the
next New Moon go to an elevation of exactly 5433, feet above sea
level. Have a feather of a duckbilled platypus in one hand, and
the paw of a gibbon in the other. At exactly 10:43pm yell to the
star gods these 3 words and repeat them 17 times. "tyrgfhfhdssaggahryty,
jjjyuyuuyuyddferppghthdfhsjaszzcxcxczbxvzbbxbwuwuuy, fghtywetweqtytywquisai".
Make sure you proclaim them correctly or your current streak of
bad luck will continue to get worse.
Starmaster
Joe |
Starmaster
Joe,
I
am planning to go river rafting this weekend and Suzie is going
with. Would it be a good time to ask her for that lapdance she
promised me?
T-Bone |
Oh
T-bone,
Big
things will happen to that little thing of yours.
That would not only be the perfect time to ask, but the perfect
time for her to perform the duty. However, the stars tell me that
you must wait until you hit the level 7 white water rapids, remove
both your life jackets, before she gives you a lap dance. After
that it should be smooth sailing!!!
Starmaster
Joe |
Hey
Starmaster,
I recently had a dream that I was floating on magical stars with
you, and you could read my mind using only a spork. What do you
think this means....does this mean we should be together forever,
or that I should just go to KFC?
Jeannie
Birthday: 2/5/95 |
Jeannie,
Your
dream was no doubt inspired by Yanni's latest album "Ultimate
Yanni". I have received numerous e-mails in regards to similar
dreams about sporks. Although I do not have a spork on me, I can
still read your 12 year old mind. KFC is not the restaurant. If
you were to pay more attention to the universe around you, you
would realize the message is CFK. I notice you have been writing
these letters down in the psych ward in which you currently reside.
The true message behind these letters is CRAZY FUCKING KID.
Pop a pill for me,
Starmaster
Joe |
Hey
Stairmaster,
I'm an oily bohunk who lifts some major weightage! I have recently
started using steroids to pump up my game. Will my nuts shrink
and will I grow a pair of boobies? Boobies are cool.
Jackson
Birthdate 3/6/70 |
Dear
Jackoff, ah I mean Jackson,
How
dare thee call me by the improper name. Stairmaster!!!!! Not even
Jared from Subway would step foot upon one of those contraptions.
As for your steroid use all I can say is this. You will not grow
any female parts, nor will your nuts shrink. The true nature of
your question remains obvious to me. You pump iron to make up
for the one small muscle you can't make any larger or stronger.
The one muscle that you've oiled but never had the opportunity
to flex. And that pump you bought isn't going to work either.
Besides, 2 hours ago your Mother found it under your bed and threw
it out along with your Richard Simmons "Wacking to the Oldies
vol #34" video.
Starmaster
Joe |
| |
|
