HAVE YOU LOST CONTROL (Or Plan On Doing So Shortly)?

Do you struggle with stagnation? Have you ever wondered why that not-so-fresh feeling isn’t going away? Do you kill the time with fantasies of a glamorous, fulfilling future that never seems to get here? Seeing a coworker promoted, do you offer hearty congrats or are you further reminded of this cosmic indifference to your existence? When masturbating, are you rejected by fantasy fuck buddies, leaving you no options, save for lower expectations? Have you left a book half finished, feeling you weren’t really reading it, that instead it was reading you?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, or maybe just the last one, then take peace, for you are not alone. Thousands of people, just like you, are overwhelmed by the ruthless speed of modern times, yet remain impotent to break free from their cog-like existence.

And Dear Reader, that much will never change.

While what follows will in no way improve your experience of the world, I promise that at very least it will distract you long enough to regain some balance.

As with all radical forms of therapy, you should not proceed into this venture without a sense of humor, a sense of adventure and a wealth of disclaimers. The experiment that awaits will seem oddly familiar to some, yet revolutionary to others. You will not find it carefully alchemized into a pill-like form, encapsulated beneath a flavorful gel-cap. Likewise do not expect to simply swallow it and wait for the thing to kick in. Choices will be made. Chances will be taken. Knowledge, hopefully, will be gained. Within this construct, inaction is the only sin.
In explaining the workings of this experiment, I am suddenly reminded of rapper Walleye E’s addiction to crack cocaine, and his succinct words on that topic: “Thanks for your support, but statutory’s what led me to court. You know!? You know what I mean? Hey Verne, pass the Listerine!”

While a seemingly incoherent statement to some, it would seem that Walleye E is commenting on man’s inability to fully comprehend that of which he lacks first hand knowledge, and conversely the malaise and loneliness that ensues upon exiting society at large and entering the ranks of the initiated.

In illustration of this spirit, let us begin with a simple exercise. Please take a moment from your reading to pause and examine your genitalia. For most, this will mean an investigation of the body above the mid-thigh yet below the waist. This region is often times referred to as “the bathing suit area.” Take as much time as necessary, but do return with your findings promptly. Please commence now.

If you are reading these words, I will assume that your examinations went well, and that you have no doubt gleamed enough information to distinguish your specific gender. I will also assume that you have washed your hands. If not, please do so before joining the rest of us in the next paragraph.

It is logical to presume that approximately half of our readership is female, the other half male. Still, it is not impossible to imagine that some of you linger between this divide. If that be the case, I would encourage these readers to examine another portion of their bodies, a region of incredible power and identity. It is called, simply enough, the heart. Where might it be found? No man can say. But if you listen closely, you might hear it speak, just now. Ignore the lecherous howls of your genitalia. What does your heart say?

Hopefully at this point our entire readership will be certain of their respective genders. If not, I would encourage you to simply flip a coin. You may assign either gender meaning to heads or tails, however I feel that such a distinction has already been made.
Now, with this business of man-v-woman settled, scream your answer to the heavens! Congratulations, you’ve made the first in a chain of choices. There’s no turning back now, Dear Reader, not with the thrill of adventure tickling your tongue. So sally forth, for the game is afoot and we are all but conspirators now.

MALE FEMALE

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