BCD

Dear BCD,
Sometimes I feel like I am not cool enough to make new friends. I was walking down the street and I saw some kids hanging out. I complimented them on their "bling", but they just looked at me funny, so I asked if they wanted to "crunk" even though I didn't know what that is. This is when they proceded to spit at me and kick my butt. My mom says she thinks I'm cool and if I believe it, then that is all that matters. What do you think?
Love, Player Hater

Dear Pathetic,
You have got to be kidding me. What are you doing trying to make "friends" with kids and asking them to crunk you? Knock it off! That's the reason Michael Jackson's face is all messed up. It's not the plastic surgury, it's from kids and animals that have kicked his ass because he was trying to give them red light touches. With that all said, tell your Mom I want my street money.
Later loser, BCD

BCD,
I went to the Shrine Circus last night and the strangest thing happened. A clown named "Cheeso" grabbed my privates. 2 seconds later an elephant put his trunk on my berries as well. Take into consideration that this was happening at the same time. So BCD, the question I ask you is, was the clown juggling my balls, or was the Elephant looking to eat a sack of nuts?
Love, Cotton Dandy

Listen up Cotton Fairy,
The reason this happened is because you were unsupervised and alone. This is exactly how Mister Horton got Dudley to play submarines with him on the show Diff'rent Strokes. The only extreme differences are that you are an adult, you had a bag of peanuts in your pocket, you're dating "Cheeso", and most of all you liked it. Why don't you take up juggling and you two can form a duo...Cheeso and Cheese Dick.
Up in this Big Top, BCD

Dear BCD,
I have a major question for you. I am part of a Fantacy Football League and need a starting quarter back. Who would you reccomend?
Quarterback Jack

Dear Quarterback Jack-off,
I have the perfect player for you to draft. His name is Anthony Wright of the Baltimore Ravens. Oh, and speaking of Wright, why don't you learn how to write. You could start with the word fantasy. I would also recommend you learn to spell recommend. But hey, who am I to point out that you are an idiot. The fact that you play fantasy football already points that out. Later fantasy fairy
BCD

Hey BCD,
There is a question that I need to have answered! It has been widely debated for quite some time, and people never seem to have the same answer. What exactly is Grimace from the McDonalds commercials? I've heard he is a shake, but how in gods name can a big purple dot be considered a shake!? Please help.
McDs

Dear Idiot,
That is a very interesting question. Very few people know that Grimace and Mr. Munch of Chuck E. Cheese are related. The only difference is one steals shakes while the other steals pizzas. Now what are they you ask....make believe much like your love life, your stories, and most of all your friends. Why don't you try making some real ones. You can start by calling McDonalds headquaters at 1-800-244-6227 and asking them your stupid ass question. Who knows, maybe you'll make a Chuck Woolery Love Connection with the fat, sweatpants-wearing bitch who answers the phone.
Later McD's Nuts,
BCD

BCD,
How do I go about getting a cool nickname like "BCD"? Can I actually give one to myself, or does it have to happen by chance, like when a kid gets bit in the nipple by a parakeet and then everyone refers to him as Nips. Also, can that kid then try to do something cooler to try and get a better nickname? Lets say getting a mohawk so that kids will call him "Hawk?"I don't quite understand the intricasies of nicknames. What do you think?
Myron

Dear Dumbass
It's not a nickname that I have, it's a lifestyle! I'm the one responsible for scaring Dan Rather off the air. How dare his false ass even try to use my name....he now goes by Dwane "I'm Rather" a wuss when BCD is up in my shit. As for calling yourself something, don't even think of using "Hawk" unless you have a friend named "Animal" and a sweet pair of spiked football shoulder pads. That's right, I speak of the L.O.D. straight out of the BCD and you ain't part of this family. Later Moron, I mean Myron.
BCD

BCD,
I've been collecting pogo-balls ever since I was twelve. Now I'm 35 and I still love them. The pogo-ball's importance in my daily life is only rivaled by that of my love for the wet banana water slide. Every weekend I call up my pals and try to persuade them to come over and slide on "the wet banana". They never do. I even buy Red Stripe beer for them and they still do not show up. I had one friend come over to check out my sweet pogo-ball collection (which is nearing 46 mint balls total). But after that he never came around again, I think he stole one because I had 47 before he came over. Oh well as long as he enjoys the pogo-ball as much as I do it's ok to spread the love. BCD, I've tried really hard to meet girls. I buy them puppies, black licorice, and Jarts. They take the puppy and run away though. Should I incorporate my pogo-ball collection into my pickup lines? Right now my standard pick up line is this: "Can I flirt with you?" Help me score BCD! Sincerely,
Pent up pogo

Just when you thought you heard it all. Look the answer is simple: no one is going to come over if all you do is ask them to "slide on your wet banana and pogo on your balls". It's a wonder you even got one friend to come over, and the only reason he stole one of your Pogo balls is because he definately could not steal your dignity.....you got rid of that right around the time you started collecting those stupid pieces of crap. Look, girls don't like your approach, they don't like weirdos around puppies, and most of them don't like FUCKING POGO BALLS. Why don't go buy another classic toy like the jump rope and hang yourself.
If you ever write me again, you pathetic sack of shit, I will kill you.
Die Pogo loving loser
BCD

Hey BCD,
Who would win a fight between Steven Segal and Chuck Norris? Norris is quick and deadly, but Segal is the quiet gentle guy who doesn't want to hurt people but always has to....and you have to watch out for the quiet ones. please BCD, inform me, who would win?
Dr. Kung Fu

Dear Ponytail Lover,
Quiet and gentle? Why don't you try sensitive....what do you think the ponytail is all about? Perfect Weapon? More like Perfect Man Friend to share an umbrella with. While Seagal was busy trying to save an Alaskain pipeline, Norris was saving the whole United States. It's called "Invasion U.S.A.", otherwise know as "Two Uzis and a Denim Shirt". Watch it and learn! You not only will see Norris at his best, but also as the only man who could teach Karate to Elvis and make you wish you had a beard. Don't waste my time with such a stupid question like this....now get that ponytail cut. Just go to the barber and tell him you're tired of looking like an asshole. Later sensitive questioner,
BCD

	Hey BCD, I heard a rumor that you once ate 13 hamburgers and 15 donuts in 5 minutes. I would think something like that is impossible, so did you actually do that, and if so, how!? Larry
	Yo Larry Hey what can I say? I was dating Kim "the mushroom head hair" Fields at the time. In other words, if you can't keep up with the cast of "Facts of Life", you get kicked off set. That's how I did it. As for you, just hang with a girl from Northern Wisconson. You'll get the same achievement. Go Packers! BCD

Dear Big City Dan,
Lately I’ve been feeling a bit apprehensive about my reality in general. I recently went online and purchased every possible version of the movie “batteries not included”. Last week I got my first copy, it was from Guatemala . So whatever language they speak there is the language the overdubs were in. So it was quite hard for me to understand at first, but slowly I began to understand what they were saying. It was pretty neat actually. But that led me to wonder if I’m able to understand other languages right off the bat like that? The long and the short of it is……I’m pretty convinced I’m a robot. Similar to D.A.R.Y.L. or like Johnny 5 but with skin and a human form. I hate this feeling. I mean don’t get me wrong, being a robot would have advantages like: X-ray vision, super strength, speed reading, being a top secret government weapon. But I feel so alone, who would I court? A toaster? The local parking meters? Any mechanical device with a female adapter? Help me BCD!!!!!
-Floppy Disk

Dear Steve Guttenberg,
I Can not believe that you wrote me. Your're not a robot, you're an idiot. Obviously your knowledge of the world is about as fast and as interesting as your film career. In other words, it is crap. They speak Spanish in Guatemala dumb ass. So let me quote the spanish gang from Short Circut 2. BCD will kick your ass, BCD will kick your face, BCD will kick your balls into outerspace. As for courting, do what you've always have done...go screw yourself...and if you are using toys..... remember that batteries are not included.
Later bitch, BCD

Hello BCD,
I hear that you help people with problems. To be honest with you I have been going through quite a crisis right now. I just watched The Karate Kid 2 weeks ago and ever since I finished watching it, I have this nagging fear that ninjas are following me. When I am shopping at the local grocery store, I am afraid that ninjas will jump out from behind the fruit stand and roundhouse kick me in the face. When I go to a restarant, I am afraid that ninjas will poison my food. Ninjas haunt my dreams and eat at away at my every living second. Please help me!
Ninjaphobic

Dear Ninjaphobic
If you're going to have a fear, this is one to get strong on....Armstrong that is. Joe Armstrong, played by Michael "the" Dudikoff, is the American Ninja. He is a power like no other in all 3 American Ninja movies. But you've never heard of him because you are weak. If you knew anything, which I doubt you do, there are no ninjas in Karate Kid, you mindless loser. Grow up and get it right. If you were scared of skeletons kicking your ass as they throw your stupid BMX in the dumpster while leaving you to lick your wounds, I guess I'd understand. Hell, if you want to be scared of people chasing you in a grocery store, check out the scene in that movie Icecream Man. You would probably like it since Doug Llewelyn of The People's Court is in it. I think he's the kind of guy you'd attract and probably could use as a role model, you pansy. That said, your phobias should not resemble you love of court reporters: keep them straight.
-Big City

Dear BCD,
Soooo....I am a virgin or at least I think I am? I am currently with a guy and we do stuff.... I have always wanted to wait till marriage for sex, but he is a total horndog (if you know what I mean), so I make concessions, but I don't think they count as sex. So I want your take on it; we screw around with a blanket between us,and sometimes my underwear (acting as a barrier between his thingy and my whoo whoo), oh yeah and once saran wrap (big mistake), does this count as sex? I mean do you think that I have officially popped my cherry or just rubbed up against it? Please help,
Your neighborhood virgin (maybe?)

Virgin,
Excuse me, you make concessions? Either you think you're Laura Ingles "gone" Wilder or you work selling nachos and "horndogs". What the hell are you talking about? No, I do not know what you mean. All I know is that you are not a girl but really a guy. No girl would write this crap. Face it, you're just one of the 1000 other males in the U.S. who live through role models like Kevin Smith and the guy who talked fast on the Micro Machine ads. Don't you think it's time you move on, quit collecting Star Wars toys and believing in wizards and get down with a woman you don't have to inflate? But who am I fooling, you couldn't even relate to most men...why would a woman ever relate to you? Do me a favor, stay away from young kids and punch yourself in the head.....once for every time you wished dragons were real.
Up in this bitch, BCD

Hi BCD,
I am a shiftless layabout living in North Hollywood, CA. I woke up the other morning to discover that I had lost my ass crack. I'm a little unsure what to do at this point, and was hoping you would have some advice for me. For instance, how do I take a crap? How do I live? How do I love? With your vast knowledge of all things crack-related, I was hoping you could help. until then...
Crackless in North Hollywood

Dear Loser,
Unlike you, I am going to get right to the point. How do you crap? You don't need a crack for that. How do you live? Moving out of North Hollywood would be a good start. And finally, How do you love? Well, you have to actually get over yourself. You see, with all that time you spend in front of the mirror using facial products, has in a way, paid off. The products made the crack in your chin go away (the one that once resembled that of Sgt. Slaughter's). But don't worry, people will still call you butthead and shithead, including me.
Later shithead, BCD

BCD,
I am a little worried about my relationship. See, my girlfriend only likes to have sex in hot air balloons. I mean, she will occasionally give in for a sack session in a regular bed, but even then it's mediocre at best. She just doesn't get into it as much. The only time her motor really purrs is when we are floating hundreds of feet in the air. Now I know this sounds ridiculous, but balloon rides aren't cheap! I've spent thousands on rides just so I can get "rides." What should I do?
Your friend,
Hank

Dear quarter of a mile high club,
How dare you complain! I know it's ironic that every time you "get some" it involves something that needs to be inflated, but get over it. If it is getting too expensive, why not rent the movie "Night Crossing". It would be like porn to that dumb freak you're dating. Later Hank the Wank,
BCD

Dear BCD,
If you were a McDonald's sandwitch,which one would you be?
Micky D's

Dear Mickey,
The answer to your inquiry is very simple.Considering my temper for stupid questions, I would be a McDLT. Although it no longer exists, you might recall that it had a cool side-cool side and a hot side-hot side. This slogan was personified by an actor named Jason Alexander, who in the commercial did a song and dance while holding a McDLT. He, just like you, would be grouped into another sandwich category: Big Macs. It's not that either of you are big by any means, but rather because Big Mac abbreviates as B.M. In other words, you are both shit sandwiches. So please learn to ask better questions and most of all, learn to spell the word sandwich.
Up in this bitch, BCD

	Hey BCD, I saw a guy get hit in the groin with an asteroid on your site. Was that real? Dr. Penningsworth
	Lame, go get hit by a bus. Next question. BCD